Gross Movie Reviews #134

Gross Movie Reviews #134

Posted by Tim on August 10, 2008

Gross Movie Reviews #134
By Tim Gross

Sometimes They Come Back… For More (DVD) – The third in this suck ass series of films based on a short story of the great horror writer Stephen King. This time around some scientists are stuck in the Artic Circle “The Thing” style and MPs have been sent in to find out why communication is down and what the hell is going on. Next thing you know an overused storyline and a bunch of zombies later and it becomes a fight between two disciples of Satan in which one wants to bring their father into the world and the other wants to live a normal life and bang the snot out of his woman he just met at this little Artic scientist station. Once you watched it you’ll ask yourself, “why I watch this piece of shit?” But remember it’s a sequel it needs to be seen. I give this limp dick sequel ½ star.

Robot Jox (DVD) – A cheesy and cool produced Charles Band film that is set in the future where the major countries no longer have war to settle things they use giant robots with one man that controls them to fight over oil fields, established countries, government, etc. Some effects are actually very cool at times and other times, well you know it’s Empire Pictures… But a great movie that takes you back to your childhood watching shit on HBO on an early Saturday morning before cartoons came on. I give this DVD 3 stars.

The Midnight Meat Train (Theater) – Clive Barker’s latest creation but he did not direct, is based on one his early stories about a photographer who becomes obsessed with a man who looks like a professional business man and rides the subway after midnight in New York. His obsession grows when he sees people who get on the subway with this professional looking man and they are reported missing. The photographer follows him everywhere until it consumes his own life and finds out he isn’t your normal run of the mill serial killer and by then it’s too late. Once again, Barker and company make a horror film that is weird, different, and goes against the grain of Hollywood. Not as nearly as much blood as I thought there would be but this film declares Clive Barker is back in my opinion and he is going to produce films he wants horror fans to see and not what studios want to ruin? I give this excellent flick 3 stars.

Dragon Wars (DVD) – Ancient dragons awaken every 500 years to seek out a woman who is in her 20th year and must eat her in order to shift the balance of good and evil in the universe and become apart of the great ancient dragon gods. A fantasy film that is worth watching if there isn’t much on TV that day but a need to see film just because it has the great Robert (Alligator) Forrester and famous Pittsburgh comedian Billy Cardell. I give it 1 ½ stars.

Fury of the Werewolf (DVD) – The legendary Paul Naschy is killed by a Sasquatch/Yeti thing and his hot female lead brings him back to life only for him to change into a werewolf and terrorize everyone around him. I give it 2 stars.

The Lost Boys: The Tribe (DVD) – Its twenty years later and apparently vampires still rule the west coast. Two siblings arrive at their aunt’s house looking for a new life after their lives go downhill the past few years since their parents’ death. Of course both get mixed up with some surfers who are actually vampires and rule the beaches and the head vampire happens to be an idol of the older male sibling. It’s up to the aging ‘Frog brother’ Corey Feldman as Edgar Frog to help take down these surfing vampires before it’s too late. By no fucking way is this film going to be a cult horror hit like the 1987 film. The movie had a lot of potential but is a very obviously rushed project and not being shot in the same location affected the look and feel of this film as it seem like it lost something with it not being shot in California. Hey, it could be me being twenty years older and loving the original film so much or it could be the sequel came too many years too late? Whatever the reason is, if you are not a horror fan and happen to watch the film more than likely you will be lost? The film seems to leave a lot of minor plotlines unexplained for no reason at all with a lot of filler in-between scenes that will leave most “Lost Boys” fans asking a lot of questions instead of enjoying what should have been a cool, hip, generational vampire film. This film could have been so much more if the right director was involved and the right people were in charge and understood the allure of the first film. I fear the editor fucked up a lot of the film but that wasn’t the only major problem with the film (script anyone?). The DVD contains a couple alternate endings, a deleted scene, and a few music videos you’ll never watch as I give this somewhat disappointing sequel 2 stars.

Mother of Tears (Theater) – The latest Dario Argento ‘Eye-talian’ flick that stars Asia Argento as curator at a museum where she and a friend notice an odd box that happen to be dug up with a witch from 1815 and was sent to their museum to be checked out as it is feared to be something that could start the ‘end of the world’. They open the box and a few mean ass monsters in robes rip apart Asia’s friend and then Asia is on the run trying to figure out why evil forces are chasing her and why everyone in Rome has gone ape shit crazy. A dark film with lots of children being killed, Udo Kier playing a priest of course, blood and gore by the gallon, and the end of the world that looks like a bunch of hot naked women running around in catacombs, which is not a bad thing personally… But anyway I give this film 2 ½ stars, I still love “Suspiria” personally.

Invasion USA (DVD) – “More Chuck for your Buck!” Chuck Norris stars in one of his best films ever along with Richard Lynch playing the ultimate bad guy who wants to kill Chuck and attack the US on US soil! And I cannot forget Billy Drago plays a drug dealer in a small part of the film. But anyway Richard Lynch plays a Soviet terrorist hell bent on attacking America and only Chuck Norris can find him and put a stop to his terrorist activities! Chuck Norris, action film, lots of guns and violence… 3 ½ stars!

Poutrygeist was also reviewed but being saved for a Bastards press release that is going to be up on www.bastardsofhorror.com .

Don’t forget to catch me at Louisville, Kentucky’s Fright Night Film Fest August 15-17th, 2008. Check out www.frightnightfilmfest.com for more details.

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three
http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

Volume Two Red Cover
http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover
http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

Volume One
http://www.lulu.com/content/265208

Posted under Reviews

Gross Movie Reviews #133

Posted by Tim on July 30, 2008

Gross Movie Reviews #133
By Tim Gross

Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (DVD) – Third in the series of a million which is awesome… has two kids that are adopted from ‘evil’ Gatlin, Nebraska and are forced to adapt to their new city life. One kid accepts the new surroundings while the other begins to grow the evil corn in an abandon building and gathers the local kids to start an uprising against the adults! Not a bad, but interesting horror film for being third in the series and direct-to-video and if that doesn’t get you it’s a must watch just to see a pre-Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series Nicholas Brendan and I think in a uncredited role Charlize Thereon? I give the movie 2 stars.

The Dead Pit (DVD) – Finally… “The… Dead… Pit…” can be seen by millions and millions of horror nerds in its unrated beauty! Code Red did a wonderful job of getting this DVD out. For those who never been blessed with watching this classic 80s horror film about a doctor who likes to perform experiments on mental patients. His partner finds out about him and kills him! Then buries him with his patients. Twenty years later, a woman who is a Jane Doe, shows up and the evil doctor rises from the dead to kill patients again… Movie is filled with great gore scenes and is a really cool horror film for a time in the late 80s it seemed horror was beginning to die a little. I give this ‘must own’ classic 3 ½ stars.

Camp Blood (DVD) – A very low budget production from some filmmakers who are “Friday the 13th” fans decide to make a movie about a clown masked killer in the woods. Cheap but a fun movie as you sift through the crap that you would call the first half of the film and finally the second half you get to see people getting killed off one by one until there is one survivor and the killer is the twist in the story. Can be lame at times but fun to drink beer and watch a film from the great Brad “The Zombie Chronicles is a big piece of shit” Sykes as I give it 1 ½ stars and can be found through www.razordigitalent.com .

Camp Blood 2 (DVD) – A low budget sequel this time around has a filmmaker search out the lone survivor from the first “Camp Blood” to oversee his vision of her story of what actually happen. Of course he wants blood and boobs which we get and it is worth it because all I can say is nipple rings! Who knows what else happens in the rest of the fucking movie, all I could see for a day was nipple rings! Somebody else dresses up as the masked clown killer and begins the killing spree again, nada, nada, nada, nipple rings! I give it 2 stars and can be found at www.razordigitalent.com .

Within the Woods (DVD) – Actually the third movie in the “Camp Blood” series but with a different title like the great horror film, “Slumber Party Massacre 4 aka Cheerleader Massacre”. This time around the clown masked killer shows up to ruin the reality show that is taken place on the holy killing ground of “Camp Blood” and killing everyone who is there for the show including the fake killer! Interesting concept, but very hard to pull off on such a slim budget… I give this flick 1 star and can be found at www.razordigitalent.com .

Bloody Birthday (DVD) – A slick horror flick from 1981 that sometimes gets lost in the shuffle of all the cool flicks out at that time? But this horror flick is about three kids that are ten years old and born during an eclipse in June 1970. They were born to not give a rat shit and think up evil fucked up ways to kill their classmates, teacher, babysitter, parents, the horror never ends? It’s B-movie greatness… A must see for any fan of horror films! I give this cool flick 3 stars.

The X-Files: I Want To Believe (Theater) – Yeah, I heard the early reviews: ‘It misses the spot’ or ‘Not that good’. Fuck you all! I loved that the film was a film for the hardcore fans of the TV show. It not only progressed the storyline from six years ago but gave the franchise some closure in case there is not another ‘X-Files’ film. The film is about the FBI seeking Mulder’s help in a strange case of a possible serial killer and an ex-priest that is having visions of where a body part, a missing woman, etc. are at but not be able to see everything like who did it? Mulder at the pushing of Scully, decides to help the FBI but gets more involved then he can ever believe. Maybe the film did take too long too get out and maybe there isn’t enough geeks out there to support it as they have moved on to other shows or series but I believe this film is an excellent sci-fi film that does not come around too often these days. Go give the movie a try as I give it 3 stars.

Anaconda 3 (DVD/Sci-fi Channel) – 100 foot CGI snake versus David Haselhoff, 3 stars of B-movie goodness!

Black Caesar (VHS) – A great exploitation flick starring Fred Williamson as a black man who worked his way up through the prison system and gets out with one goal in mind to over throw the man who has been pushing around black people for way too long and take over Harlem! A cool kick ass flick with one cool ass movie soundtrack done by the legendary James Brown. The film is a great introduction into “blaxploitation” films (as it once was called) and one the best films that represent what the 70s were all about. I give the movie 4 stars.

Don’t forget to catch me at Louisville, Kentucky’s Fright Night Film Fest August 15-17th, 2008. Check out www.frightnightfilmfest.com for more details.

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three
http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

Volume Two Red Cover
http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover
http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

Volume One
http://www.lulu.com/content/265208

Posted under Reviews, Websites, stuff

Gross Movie Reviews #131

Posted by Tim on July 2, 2008

Gross Movie Reviews #131
By Tim Gross

In the spirit of the 4th of July make sure you watch your copy of “Uncle Sam”, a cool slasher film with ‘Uncle Sam’ as the killer!

National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets (DVD) – Nic Cage reprises his role as the venturing American historian who believes one of his relatives is in question in the death of the 16th president, Lincoln. Ed Harris plays a character that happens to have a certain piece of paper from 1863, that questions who really shot Lincoln and why?! Pretty cool adventure this time around as its Cage and friends against the world as Nic Cage kidnaps the president to find out certain information about Lincoln that also sets up an interesting storyline for a possible third film. The movie itself comes across as a crossbreed of Indiana Jones and Lara Croft but a great alternative for some of Nic Cage’s abominations he has been apart of the past 20 years. I give the film 3 stars and worth the rent.

Zombie Farm (DVD) – Terrorists poison the water of a small farming town that eventually turns the small town into flesh-eating ghouls and all is left is a couple FBI agents and a couple people who haven’t drank the water left to fend for themselves. With the town already quarantined and the military given the orders to kill anything that isn’t military the odds of the survivors is very slim in this low budget gorefest! The low budget zombie flick is a fun gorefest to watch and tries to keep a few laughs in to keep the film well-paced especially with the cannibal farmer characters before they even turn into zombies. But again the CGI gunshots are horrible people as I give the movie 2 ½ stars and you can check out more about the movie at www.zombiefarmmovie.com .

There’s a Werewolf in My Attic! (DVD) – A short film about a couple who are vegan and buy a house cheap and later find out that a werewolf that looks like a combination of “Star Wars” Chewy and Dee Wallace’s transformation at the end of “The Howling” is living in their attic. Not to mention the werewolf doesn’t eat flesh or raw meat but trail mix. The movie is funny, pokes fun at vegans a little, and a very entertaining 16 minutes as I give it 3 stars and can be found at www.sbtfilms.com .

Urine Trouble (DVD) – A 10 minute short film about urinal cakes (you know the pink things in the toilets at bars) that attack and eat a man then a couple who go to check on him. Lots of blood and funny as fuck! I give it 3 ½ stars and can be found at www.sbtfilms.com .

Copperhead (DVD/Sci-Fi Channel) – Computer-generated snakes attack a small town in the old west that is full of outlaws including genre favorite Billy Drago! Very cheesy and boring at times but watchable, I guess… I give it 1 ½ stars.

Doomed to Consume (DVD) – An entertaining low budget gorefest about survivors a week or so after an air-borne virus has turned a small town into zombies. The film is pretty much about what is the next move for the survivors as they all eventually become zombie food. Again, shitty CGI gunshots hinder the low budget zombie fest but it does have a cameo appearance by writer Joe Knetter as a zombie at a gas station. I give the movie 2 stars and can be found at www.nftsproductions.com or www.myspace.com/nfts .

Death on Demand (DVD) – A couple college kids rent out a house on Halloween night that is described as being haunted because of a man killing his family Thanksgiving night after he was found bloody and crazed after a mountain climbing expedition and then killed himself. The college kids think the house is a great place to hold their contest that will be broadcasted on the internet of three couples who are trying to survive the night and make $5,000! An entertaining slasher film that has elements of “Night of the Demons” and “Halloween 8: The Resurrection” only ‘Death on Demand’ is a much better film than “Halloween 8” and doesn’t have shitty cast that includes Busta-Rhymes! What separates this modern slasher from most independent features is this has some great kill scenes and effects to back it up plus a great funny sex scene between a guy who might be gay, might not and a porn star who feeds him generic Viagra… It’s independent, plays to its strengths, and has boobs, a couple gallons of blood, and an ending that I like. I give the movie 3 stars and a must watch as you can find it at www.mtivideo.com .

Firehead (DVD) – A Russian cyborg travels to America to stop missiles from being built by a dark government within our own American government. Did I happen to mention the cyborg can shoot shit from eyes too? A classic B-grade sci-fi flick from 1988 that has a cameo appearance by Martin Landau as a retired military scientist. I give the film 1 ½ stars and can be found at www.echobridgehe.com .

Space Mutiny (DVD) – A very bad, but very funny B-movie that was on the “Mystery Science Theater 3000” TV show at some point during its run. The space movie starts off with scenes of spaceships gun fighting that look like the production crew stole the left over ships on strings from the TV show “Battlestar Galactica” and use computer graphics from a Commodore 64 to show you what’s going on. Then you have some bad hula hoop disco dance thing going on with a lot of slow bumper car racing with generic bazookas and lazerguns. This shit is cheesy, bad, and a lot of fun to watch. This movie is must have for those who don’t need a plot, like to drink beer while watching, or just smoke pot and why is there Astroturf for grass in a garden that is on a spaceship! I give it 3 ½ stars just for not hiding the fact of how much a B-movie it is and can be found at www.echobridgehe.com .

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase my three horror movie review books, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One, Two, or Three” at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . You can also find other reviews from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com , www.bloodtypeonline.com , and in the movie review section of the latest Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget to catch me at Louisville, Kentucky’s Fright Night Film Fest August 15-17th, 2008. Check out www.frightnightfilmfest.com for more details.

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three
http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

Volume Two Red Cover
http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover
http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

Volume One
http://www.lulu.com/content/265208

Posted under Reviews

Gross Movie Reviews #130

Posted by Tim on June 19, 2008

Gross Movie Reviews #130

By Tim Gross

“I’ll see you at Horrorhound Weekend in Pittsburgh!”

I Know Who Killed Me (DVD) – The real question should be, “Do we care?” I stayed away from this just because it starred former Disney teen idol ‘Lindsay Lohan’. Unless she is going into porn I care less, but I figured she suppose to be a stripper in this film and figured I’d give it a chance. Shit! If it looks like shit, if she acts like shit, and the script is shit, it must be a big steamy pile of donkey shit! Fuck, I haven’t seen such a horrible movie since the remake of “The House on Haunted Hill”. Hell, it was so bad when she goes for her big sex scene they even made sure you couldn’t see the essentials… WTF? But anyhow, if suicide seems not cruel enough, watch this crap as I give it 0 stars.

Slashing Prices (DVD-R) – Rick and the DSK crew are back with a film that goes back to the basics. The real basics of a slasher film where the killer couldn’t afford a mask so he wears a plastic bag to protect his identity. After a customer is burned by acid in a CD/movie store run by aging semi-rock star John Legionare, customers begin to disappear one by one without the two retards who work there ever noticing as they are worried about watching ‘two girls, one cup’ on you tube! The movie seems a little slow through the first twenty minutes but the jokes and the murders start to fly after that. Filled with lots of blood and the usual fun you expect from Rick and the DSK crew which the biggest highlight of the film is ‘Ace’ playing the John Legionare character and he is so obsessed with the disc buffer machine that he begins to use it on his penis and gets caught doing it, and continues to keep going! Funny shit people! The great thing about this DVD is the FX extra that takes you into the world of DSK and what it took to get the effects to look the way they looked on film. The movie might have had no budget or less but a lot of inventive and smart thinking went into what they wanted for the film. This segment is something a lot of independent filmmakers and movie fans out there should take note as this is one of the best extras on a DVD I ever seen! I give the DVD 2 ½ stars and can be found at www.dsk-productions.com .

Student Bodies (DVD) – A horror film first released in 1981 and was never seen again except through video trading in the 80s and bootlegs has finally seen DVD. It is a fun horror/comedy that spoofs pretty much every slasher film in the past two years before it. A slasher film that all horror fans need to buy and watch but not for the mainstream “Scary Movie” crowd in opinion. I give the classic 3 stars.

Prom Night (DVD/remake) – A remake of a so-so slasher film that starred Jamie Lee Curtis that stars no one this time around and pretty much plays out in the first ten minutes and you hate yourself for watching it. Be warned, it sucks worse than being forced to watch 12 hours straight of “Gilmore Girls”! I give it 0 stars.

Prey of the Jaguar (DVD) – The film stars Stacy Keach and Linda Blair and that’s where anything good about the movie ends. The movie is about a man whose family is killed by drug dealers and he becomes a generic superhero to get revenge on them in a plot that sucks large gorilla nuts! I give it a ½ star and can be found at www.echobridgehe.com .

Conspiracy of Fear (DVD) – A government scientist is murdered by an assassin who is believed to have information on an Anti-virus and his son becomes involved when it isn’t found. Before the son is killed by the same assassin he is saved by a pretty girl who happens to be a car thief and becomes involved when the police find out the CIA is involved looking for the son. The movie plays out like sub-par love story/thriller but worth the rental fee if there is nothing else on the new release shelf that day. I give the DVD 2 stars and can be found at www.echobridgehe.com .

Don’t forget to catch me at Pittsburgh’s Horrorhound Weekend June 20th-22nd, 2008… and for more details go to www.horrorhoundweekend.com

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three
http://www.lulu.com/content/2497428

Volume Two Red Cover
http://www.lulu.com/content/738100

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover
http://www.lulu.com/content/751465

Volume One
http://www.lulu.com/content/265208

Posted under Reviews, Site News, stuff

Gross Movie Reviews #129

Posted by Tim on June 9, 2008

Gross Movie Reviews #129

By Tim Gross

Happy “Friday the 13^th” this week folks!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Theater) – Almost 20 years later Harrison Ford returns to the role that made him famous (besides Star Wars) as the adventurous archeologist named Dr. Indy Jones. No Germans this time around as the main villains are the Russians as the story takes place now in the mid 50s where the Russians have kidnapped Dr. Jones and have broke into the infamous ‘Area 51’ to retrieve something that has very supernatural and paranormal powers to it and help them find ‘the kingdom of the crystal skull’ and become leaders of the entire world. But with Dr. Jones around he will just not let that happen even being 20 years older. Dr. Jones is found by a young man after he escapes the Russians to get Jones to help him rescue his mother ‘Maryann’ played by none other Karen Allen. Let’s be honest, is this Jones adventure better the first three… No. But this movie still holds its own by moving the Jones storyline 20 years ahead as it should and having the character Dr. Jones realize he isn’t a young man by far anymore but he is wiser and the film is just so action-packed that an OCD kid would get dizzy. I believe with the success of the film we will see another Spielberg classic in two or three years, hopefully? I give this great adventure 3 stars and a must see for any movie fan!

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters (DVD) – Holy shit, somebody or some people are bigger losers than I! The film is a documentary on how video game high scores have been documented the past 25 years and how the original teenagers that conquered the arcade games back in the early 80s and where they are at now. Now, I enjoy video games as most people do but these people take to the extreme. But the beauty of the film is how there is these originals who conquered the arcade games and 25 years later some unknown gamer comes along and beats the high score of Donkey Kong. Its funny, but sad in a lot of ways as the film documents how the original champ will go to any lengths to protect his high score including sporting the same mullet he had back in 1982! By the end of the film you are hoping the original Donkey Kong champ ‘Billy Mitchell’ I think his name was, gets his dick eaten off by a hungry warthog! And you begin to cheer for this unknown gamer who gains all the respect of the top gamers in the world by the end of the film! You enjoyed Pac-Man, get geeky for Dig Dug, you get a chubby for Galaga, this is the perfect film for you and friends as I give this film 3 ½ stars.

The Andromeda Strain (DVD/A&E/remake) – A&E channel decided to remake the 70s killer virus film with the kid from “Silver Spoons” and that cop from “Law & Order” who star as scientists in it. The remake is interesting 3 hours but nothing much better or worse than the original. Got time to kill this is the film to see, if not and something better; move on as I give it 2 stars.

Heatstroke (DVD/Sci-Fi Channel) – D. B. Sweeney stars as a military scientist in Hawaii looking for aliens and keeps crossing paths with the ultra hot and all grown-up ‘Winnie’ from “The Wonder Years” TV series. The movie is shitty plain and simple but does have ‘Winnie’ running around in a belly shirt or a bikini often which makes the film slightly less shitty… I give it 1 star.

Craig (DVD) – A low budget independent film that was partially filmed in New York and mostly shot in Denmark by filmmaker Kim Sonderholm is about a man who slowly slips into his own madness. The film’s main character, ‘Craig’ is having trouble getting on with his life six months after his parents die in a fire. Can’t get a date, can’t get a life, and his married friend goes drinking with him just so he can pick up other women. As the movie progresses ‘Craig’ struggles with what is reality and what is a dream as he has violent dreams of himself killing people, which makes you wonder was he already completely mad and just didn’t know it? The movie is excellent… I really enjoyed how it was shot and the use of locations for the film’s scenes was awesome. The film is a slight reminder of such films “Henry” and “Rampage” but stands on its own as film about a fictional serial killer. Kim did a great job of building up suspense which most low budget filmmakers have trouble with. I enjoyed this film a lot and I’m sure it will be on my list best independent films of the year as I give it 3 stars and you can find out more about it at www.craigthemovie.com and also available through www.amazon.com .

The Horror Vault (DVD) – Sort of anthology, but more of an assortment of horror short films put together on one disc and produced by Kim Sonderholm who also has two short films on the disc. The names of the short films are “when john met julia” (excellent), “Delusion”, “Alone”, “Dead to the World”, “Mental Distortion”, “Disconnected”, “The Demon”, “Echoes”, and “Retina”. Most are very good including the first short film and the other short film that is about a man not paying his cable bill. It’s an excellent collection of short films that needs to be seen as I give it 3 stars. You can find out more about it at www.thehorrorvault.net and also available through www.amazon.com .

The Road Warrior (DVD) – One coolest if not the best post-apocalyptic film ever made, hands down! This movie pretty much started the whole sub-genre of post-apocalyptic films being made in Hollywood and around the world. Mel Gibson reprises his role in this sequel/non-sequel to the film that made him famous three years earlier “Mad Max”. He pretty much has maybe one page of lines to memorize but his actions as the burnt out ‘road warrior’ and his kick ass fast black ‘interceptor’ is all you need to see or hear as you watch. The film is like one big violent car chase as the race for fuel is on and the world has been laid to waste and is overrunned by warlords! There are some peaceful people who have been able to make fuel again but want to leave the wastelands. The problem is an evil warlord of the roads named “Humungous” wants the fuel and violence will not let them leave peacefully. And that is where “Mad Max” comes in… It is a movie that goes full speed like no other and leaves you wanting more after it ends. Its ashame the series was disgraced by the Thunderdome sequel but with some talk about a possible “Mad Max 4” and Mel looking to be seen as a top actor once more, I think fans will get the sequel they always wanted. I give the non-extra filled DVD 4 stars but keep wishing for a special extra filled edition someday!

The Voyage (VHS/USA Network) – The man, the myth, the legend, Rutger Hauer stars with Karen Allen as a couple who go to their 20^th high school reunion and meet up with an old friend Eric Roberts and his young wife who go sailing along the coast of Italy and Eric Roberts only has evil intentions. Somewhat like the thriller “Dead Calm” most the film takes place on the boat as Rutger most defend himself and his wife if they want to make off the boat alive! Fun movie to watch just because of Rutger Hauer as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Rise: Blood Hunter (DVD/Sci-Fi Channel) – A Ghost House Picture production that stars Lucy Lu as a vampire looking for revenge on who made her a vampire. A cameo appearance by Robert Forrester and good amount of blood spillage are the highlights but not enough to save this vampire film from sucking as it pretty much put me to sleep halfway through. I give the movie 1 ½ stars.

Boondock Saints (DVD) – Two Irish men just trying to have a good time at their local bar on St. Patrick’s Day get intruded on by a couple of Russian Syndicate guys and that’s where the fun begins. They beat their asses and take their guns and money. They have this weird dream believing god told them to kill off all the mobsters in town and they eventually become heroes to the common man as they are doing more than the Boston Police Department is. The film also has William Dafoe who puts on a crazy but beautiful performance as a great FBI agent searching for the two Irish men and wants to know why they are doing what they are doing. The movie is action-packed, violent, and funny as hell as I give it 3 ½ stars just for the cat who gets shot to pieces by accident as I almost pissed myself laughing!

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three

Volume Two Red Cover

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

Volume One

Posted under Reviews, Site News, Websites, stuff

Gross Movie Reviews #128

Posted by Tim on May 31, 2008

Gross Movie Reviews #128

By Tim Gross

“See sir, she has a cathead! That’s why the guys call her ‘meow mix’. But I don’t sir…” – The Monster Squad

Future Force (DVD) – A low budget movie starring the legendary David Carradine as a bounty hunter named John Tucker in the not so distant future of 1991, I think they said it was, as the movie was made in 1989. The major cities now use bounty hunters as their C.O.P.S. to solve their crimes. It’s a horribly great science fiction film that for the most part has David Carradine shooting people with this robotic glove. I give the DVD 2 stars and can be found at www.echobridgehe.com .

Future Zone (DVD) – The sequel to “Future Force” made a year later with David Carradine reprising his role of John Tucker who gets in some trouble and he is helped by his time-traveling son. Look for Charles Napier as the city mayor in this low budget science fiction film that I also give 2 stars and is available at www.echobridgehe.com .

Sugar Hill (VHS) – A 70s exploitation flick that has a beautiful woman named Ms. Sugar Hill whose man gets killed because he is not willing to sell his nightclub. Of course Ms. Hill doesn’t take this lying down and goes to see her grandma who happens to be a witch and helps her use voodoo to contact a dead man named ‘Baron Zombie’ to help her seek revenge against those who killed her man. Very cool 70s flick as I give it 3 stars.

The Hive (DVD) – A shitty fucking movie about killer ants in Southeast Asia that I give 0 stars. How do you fuck up a movie about killer ants?

Blood Monkey (DVD/Sci-fi Channel) – A scientist entices some college students to explore and learn about an uncharted jungle. Problem is ‘the missing link’ is running around and killing everybody that enters this part of the uncharted jungle. Cool kill scenes and a believable ending are the highlights and make the movie worth the rental fee as I give it 2 stars.

The Hamiltons (DVD) – A cool entry from the “2006 After Dark Horrorfest” that is about a family that struggles with its blood drinking disease and how they can be accepted in society. The film is interesting, creepy, depressing, bloody, otherwise a really cool fucking film about a family of vampires who don’t obey the usual vampire movie rules and as they are trying to find a place to fit in after their parents die and they have to move from their farmhouse and learn how to survive. My tagline for the film is ‘The family that slays together stays together”. Another excellent horror film from the “After Dark Horrorfest” that gives hope to all horror fans that there are still cool horror films that make it into the theater and DVD with a little help. I give the DVD 4 stars and a must own!

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three

Volume Two Red Cover

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

Volume One

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Gross Movie Reviews Volume Three is here!

Posted by Tim on May 24, 2008

Go check out the book links and purchase a copy of my books. You will not be disappointed…

Volume Three

Volume Two Red Cover

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Volume One

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Gross Movie Reviews #127

Posted by Tim on May 22, 2008

Gross Movie Reviews #127

By Tim Gross

“We named the dog Indiana!” – Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade

Indiana Jones and The Raiders of the Lost Ark (DVD) – You ask yourself why I such a weirdo would review a movie like this. Well, it’s an awesome film, I’m a geek, and if you take away Harrison Ford and Spielberg and throw in a Rutger Hauer and Roger Corman and you have a great B-movie adventure, like Chuck Norris’s “Firewalker”! Honestly it is a perfect fantasy flick that cannot be top. The first film came out in 1982 and starred Harrison Ford as an archeologist during the time between WWI and WWII and he is approached by the US government in finding this mystical ‘Ark’ that happens to be the ultimate prize for the Nazis. Ford’s character ‘Indiana Jones’ goes on an adventure of a lifetime halfway across the world looking for clues on how to find the ‘Ark’ and keep it out of the Nazis hands. The movie is non stop excitement, not dated, and never gets old even after 25 years or so as I give this perfect adventure 4 stars and leave you with this well known fact that at one time before Harrison Ford was casted to play “Dr. Jones”, Magnum P.I. was suppose to take the role but declined and has regretted it!

Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom (DVD) – Two years later we get a sequel that is bigger but not better than the first but still a great movie and keeps the adventuring archeologist storyline fresh and fun. This time around “Dr. Jones” crash lands in India while escaping China and he is told of great misfortune that has happened to many villagers. “Dr. Jones” must go to an ancient temple in Bangkok and rescue the villager’s children and return the sacred stone that their villagers worship. Good movie, but no way nearly as good as the first was but still worth owning and watching again and again as I give the movie 3 stars.

Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade (DVD) – Took them a few years to make another film but they did and did it right by going back to the Nazis trying to find a secret weapon to defeat and rule all the world’s countries. The third time around “Dr. Jones” is asked to go to Italy and find out why a famous archeologist has disappeared as he was searching for ‘The Holy Grail’. The famous archeologist is his dad and played by none other Sean Connery! While Indy is finding clues to the ‘Holy Grail’ he must rescue his father from the Nazis as they are keeping him captive in hopes of him finding it for them. It’s a race between Indy and the Nazis for the whole human race as the Nazis hope to make supersoliders! The film is very exciting, great stunts, and captures the awesome feel the original had as I give the movie 3 ½ stars.

Sweeny Todd (DVD) – Johnny Depp teams with Tim Burton once again to play the role of ‘Sweeny Todd the Demon Barber of Fleet Street” and bring this musical to life on the big screen. The film also stars one of my favorite actors Alan Rickman as the judge who stole Sweeny Todd’s wife and child away. Johnny Depp’s character vanishes for 15 years only to reappear in London under his new name Sweeny Todd to take revenge on the judge. But the woman who takes him in explains to him be patient and keeps him under control as she falls in love with him as he kills people who won’t be missed and she makes ‘meat pies’ out of them! A bloody musical that should be seen by anyone who enjoys horror movies as I give it 3 stars, but raises a question in my mind about Tim Burton? Is this another weird case of Tim Burton ripping off Kevin Smith but not ripping him off and it’s a coincidence. As it has been noted over the years through various internet sites and DVD interviews that Burton has used some of Kevin Smith’s ideas (or so he claims). Honestly, who fucking knows? Go watch the god dam movie!

Unearthed (DVD) – One of the eight films that were apart of 2007s “After Dark Horrorfest” is about an ancient creature that was feared by Native Americans a thousand years ago and was thought to be killed off in the dessert but is resurrected in the present. The movie is well-paced, a good amount of blood, and has Charlie Murphy getting his head cut in half in what is a very gruesome kick ass death scene! I give the DVD 2 ½ stars.

Nightmare Man (DVD) – Another independent horror film that was apart of the eight films in 2007s “After Dark Horrorfest” that stars the great Richard Moll and the beautiful, sultry, and very hot but talented actress Tiffany Shepis. A thriller with lots of blood as a woman who is stranded in a car when her boyfriend goes to look for gas and she is attacked by something evil that has come from her dreams. She runs for her life through the woods to come upon a house where she has found hope but they only become apart of the killing that goes on by the mysterious and evil killer. A very interesting and refreshing horror film that doesn’t have to rely totally on the charm and talent of Tiffany Shepis to carry the movie as the DVD has lots of extras which is different as the other “After Dark Horrorfest” DVDs are usually bare bones. I give the movie 3 stars and well worth checking out and yes Tiffany gets naked!

Night of the Demons 2 (DVD) – Six years later and no Kevin Tinney directing and we get the long overdue but not so great sequel to the classic Halloween movie “Night of the Demons” that starred Linnea Quigley and was all about Angela’s very special Halloween party that people were dying to be at… Well, with nobody surviving from the first film, the movie centers on Angela’s sister who is now in a high school for troublesome teenagers and she is tormented by her sister from beyond the grave in her nightmares. Some of the teenagers sneak out of their dorms to go to the legendary ‘Hull House’ to have their own special Halloween party. One problem, they disturbed Angela and she stops at nothing to make sure she has killed everyone in the most gruesome way and convert her sister to join her in hell! Yeah it’s a sequel and I love sequels but this film is just not the same without Kevin Tinney behind the camera and it was too many years between films. But if you are looking for a semi-eventful blood and guts slasher with a shitload of nudity, this is your movie as I give it 2 stars.

Mazes and Monsters (VHS) – An early 80s film about a college student who gets lost in the world of Dungeons and Dragons when he begins to lose his memory and cannot see the difference between the real world and the game he enjoys to play. The movie stars Tom Hanks as the college student with the fragile brain and pretty much the movie was made at the height of the D & D gameplay among teenagers. The movie was based on a book and pretty much plays out like an “After School” special but is a great find for any 80s film buff as I give it 2 stars.

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three

Volume Two Red Cover

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Gross Movie Reviews #126

Posted by Tim on May 17, 2008

Gross Movie Reviews #126

By Tim Gross

“Oh my god… it’s a subhumanoid!” – ‘Class of Nuke’EM High 3: The Good, The Bad, The Subhumanoid’

Dweller (DVD) – Another film from the great independent filmmaking duo ‘The Polonia brothers’ and Jon McBride direct, produced, and starred in a movie about bank robbers rob a bank for $100,000 and make their getaway for a remote cabin to hide. Meanwhile, an invisible alien is wondering the woods killing off random people near the cabin including the beautiful Leslie Culton who has also starred in other “Polonia” features. The movie is relatively watchable but not one of their best efforts that even feature some stock footage of a building demolition. I give the movie 2 stars and can be found on a 4-pack DVD set called, “Sleazy Slashers” or at www.bcieclipse.com .

Night Thirst (DVD) – A film that was directed by and starred ‘The Polonia brothers’ and Jon McBride that’s about a man who knocks on a door of a house in the middle of nowhere to make a phone call because his tow truck broke down. The man (Jon McBride) makes small talk with the house owner and begins to tell him horror stories like “Campfire Tales” or “Tales from the Darkside: The Movie”. In these stories you get Leslie Culton naked (fucking awesome), Brett Piper doing Creature FX, and some stock footage from other ‘Polonia brothers’ films, which is a fun low budget anthology film that I give 2 ½ stars and also can be found in the “Sleazy Slashers” DVD set or at www.bcieclipse.com .

Backwoods (DVD) – This isn’t the recent great slasher film from filmmaker “Robert Elkins” first off. This is a very low budget flick about a crazy retarded-genius killing a bunch of people in the woods. 30 years ago a woman or man was raped by another man and carries her devil child for 30 years before giving birth and dropping him and making him a retarded genius. Then the killing happens after his mother is hit and killed by some twentysomethings who don’t care and continue to go on their way to smoke pot, get drunk, and fuck! The movie is so fucking funny and not all made to be any kind of serious film as this is the “Special Edition Craft Services Cut” which the budget was about a $1.45! This movie is worth seeking out by any micro budgeted film fans or filmmakers as I give it 2 ½ stars and hope to see a sequel to this blood drench retard film. The movie can be found on the “Sleazy Slashers” DVD set or at www.bcieclipse.com .

Aztec Rex (DVD/Sci-fi Channel) – A Sci-fi Channel feature that tries to make you believe for a second that the Aztecs lived with the dinosaurs and one of the first Spanish explorers help them kill the dinosaurs so they do not have to sacrifice any more members of their tribe. One stupid fucking piece of steaming dog shit, I give it 0 stars.

Class of Nuke’EM High 2: Subhumanoid Meltdown (DVD) – Who else could give you a sequel that has nothing to do with the original movie, has more tits and ass than a mainstream porno, a mutant 30 foot squirrel attacking a college, and an actor named Brick Bronsky who is the hero who saves not only his college but Tromaville from the mutant squirrel? “Lloyd Kaufman”… This time around a scientist is making subhumanoids to obey her commands and eventually take over the world but first need to have sex experiments to how many men they can satisfy. No where near as good as the original but worth watching just because it’s Troma and a sequel. But in my opinion the movie is missing something when it isn’t on USA’s “Up All Night” program and being hosted by Rhonda Shear and Gilbert Gottfried as I give the movie 2 ½ stars. The DVD is only available anymore with the Class of Nuke’EM High box set which is out of print but can be found on www.amazon.com but not available through Troma no longer.

Class of Nuke’EM High 3: The Good, the Bad, the Subhumanoid (DVD) – The film picks up right from the second film ended and the Brick Bronsky character is now the mayor two years later and the scientist lives to continue her experiments on the subhumanoids. The special effects are done by Brett Piper and there is lots of tits and ass, but the film pretty much rehashes some of the second movie and is not really a worthwhile Troma film for the die hards but if you have watched them this far you need to watch this even though it feels like forever just to get through it. I give the movie 1 ½ stars and it is pretty much only available with the box set and more than likely you will not see a fourth film even though I would be first in line to buy it.

Hellraiser Puzzle Box Set (DVD) – The UK box set that is the ultimate “Hellraiser” collection of the first three films and extras that “Hellraiser” fans have always wanted. The box set is four discs, all the three films are unrated and widescreen, has assloads among assloads of extras that include ‘on the set’ interviews, featurettes, commentaries, other goodies that will make “Hellraiser” fans play with themselves for hours on end. The fourth disc includes a special interview with Clive Barker, Peter Atkins, and Doug Bradley as they discuss not only the “Hellraiser” film but the two short films they did in the 70s called, “Salome” and “The Forbidden” which are artsy films but great additions to this great box set that also includes a booklet that talks all about the first three films! This Region 2 UK box set gets 4 stars and a must own for any Clive Barker or “Hellraiser” fan…

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase my two horror movie review books, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One and Two” at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com , with the third book delayed but on its way. You can also find other reviews from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com , www.bloodtypeonline.com , and in the movie review section of the latest Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive……… Don’t forget to catch me at Pittsburgh’s Horrorhound Weekend June 20^th-22^nd, 2008… and for more details go to www.horrorhoundweekend.com

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three

Volume Two Red Cover

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

Volume One

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Gross Movie Reviews #125

Posted by Tim on May 8, 2008

Gross Movie Reviews #125

By Tim Gross “Nice… dark meat!” – ‘Freddy vs. Jason’

Blacula (VHS) – William Marshall stars as an African Prince who was turned into a vampire by Count Dracula in the mid 1800’s who was traveling countries to stop slavery! When he is turned he is locked away in a coffin for years until 1972 he is released by two gay guys who buy Count Dracula’s estate. Blacula takes a little time to adjust to his new surroundings in L.A. but fits right in as he begins his killing spree while trying to woo a woman that he believes that was his wife in the past life. This film that took a new spin on the legendary Dracula story and became one of the most known exploitation flicks during the 70s, plus it kicks ass. I give the film 3 stars.

Scream Blacula Scream (VHS) – A year later and William Marshall reprises his role as ‘Blacula’ and he is brought back to life by a man seeking revenge on his sister and others. His sister is played by the exploitation film veteran Pam Grier and looks dam beautiful! I give the film 2 ½ stars.

Psycho Scarecrow (DVD) – A shitty movie shot on video that uses the story of the evil scarecrow that kills people. Why do you need to see this shitfest? Because the scarecrow rides a motorcycle and its shot on video, its B-movie greatness, I give it 2 stars!

Iron Man (Theater) – Honestly there isn’t anything I can say that hasn’t been said already about this really fucking awesome comic book movie! Robert Downey Jr. (perfect choice) plays Tony Stark the billionaire who happens to make great military weapons. The movie for the most part is the origins of ‘Iron Man’ and how he came to the conclusion of being a superhero and does not back down from it! The movie is simply beautiful, exciting, action-packed, and couldn’t have been any better. The ‘Iron Man’ film is comic book geek’s wet dream… If you still have something to complain about shitheads? Let me remind you that at one time Tom Cruise wanted to be in the Tony Stark role for years but could never get anybody crazy as him to make the movie so if you are complaining about the film go fuck yourself! But anyway Jeff Bridges plays one hell of a villain and plus makes a great stunt double for ex-wrestler Jesse ‘the body’ Ventura, they make a small reference to “War Machine”, and this might be the first movie that I think Gwyneth Paltrow actually looked attractive. It’s a great movie, so great they even listed me in the credits under “Technical Support” (look for it). I give the film 4 stars as its just as good as the first Spider-man film and I cannot wait for the sequels and where it goes from here.

Critters 3: You Are What They Eat (DVD) – Leonardo DiCapiro makes his film debut in this family friendly sequel that has Charlie return to help Leonardo fight the ‘Crites’ in an apartment building and ends with a “To be continued…” ending! I give this film 2 stars as this most likely the worst of the four movies.

Critters 4: (DVD) – Picking up where the third movie left off, Charlie is trapped in this pod with the two last ‘critters’ and are in space some 50 years later by a salvage ship that is led by Angela Bassett and Brad Dourif. The movie is cheap and cheesy and could of gone with the whole ‘Aliens’ plot line but choose to keep with the fun “Critters” storyline we all know and love with the “Critters” trying to fight for survival as they try to mutant themselves to kill off the crew members of the ship and return to earth! A fun space movie worth watching as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Brainscan (VHS/Theater) – Edward Furlong plays a teenage computer geek in this 1994 movie that has him playing the latest virtual reality game that sucks you into the game and makes you a murderer! Now that you are a murderer the game’s host “The Trickster” tries to guide Ed through a killing spree and cover his tracks. Not a bad idea and not a bad film even with Ed’s stupid character limp it was just made at a time there was a lot of uncertainty in the horror genre and people were not exactly into the virtual reality realm. It was a weird time and the movie doesn’t get its due for at least being a watchable horror film in an age of when those types of horror films were scarce. At one time the movie’s “Trickster” character was supposed to be the next Freddy Krueger franchise, but never happen. Go find this nice gem as I give the movie 3 stars.

My book links if interested in purchasing a copy of my books:

Volume Three

Volume Two Red Cover

Volume Two Alternate (black) Cover

Volume One

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“Gross Movie Reviews Volume Three” is now available!

Posted by Tim on May 7, 2008

Posted under News, Site News, Websites, stuff