Gross Movie Reviews #120

Posted by Tim on March 27, 2008

Gross Movie Reviews #120

By Tim Gross 

“Three thousand year old dead guys just don’t get up and walk away?!” – The Monster Squad 

Penny Dreadful (DVD) – A very cool concept type of film that was apart of 2006’s “8 Films to Die For” that starred Mimi Rogers as a teenage girl’s therapist who is trying to help her get over her fear of riding in cars since her tragic accident. They stop and pick up a strange hitchhiker after they hit her/him and give her/him a ride to a remote location and the horror begins. The biggest problem with the film is it would be an awesome short film that runs 30 or 40 minutes long but stretching the concept of a ‘hitchhiker keeping a teenager terrified and trapped in a car’ is hard to pull off and it didn’t happen in this film. The length of the film was what killed this cool concept but worth the rental fee to check out Michael Berryman’s cameo appearance and Mimi Rodgers playing a great corpse! I give the movie 2 stars.

 

The Return (DVD) – The very hot looking, but annoying Sarah Michelle Gellar has visions of a horrific murder in this horrible so-called horror movie. Save your money and rent something else as I give it ½ star.

 

Timecop (DVD) - Jean-Claude Van Damme’s best movie next to “Bloodsport and Cyborg” is the early 90s thriller “Timecop” in which he stars as a cop in the future who travels to the past or our present to catch or execute criminals. A pretty cool sci-fi thriller film that doesn’t get its due from critics for actually being good. I give the movie 3 stars.

 Doomsday (Theater) – The man that gave us the great horror films “Dog Soldiers” and “The Descent” failed to give us what myself and other horror fans thought sounded good at the time in a film. That was until they released the trailers and pictures… Pretty much the movie plays out like a mix of “28 Days Later” meets “Escape from New York (with a female Snake character)”, with a little “Mad Max” sprinkled in. The sad part about the film is it had potential to be an excellent film but failed miserably! Wait for it on your HBO package as I give it 1 ½ stars.   

Rambo (Theater) – To best describe this movie is “HUMAN CARNAGE AT ITS BEST”!!! This awesome film star an old, fully bloated, steroid enhanced, mutating 60 year old Sly Stallone reprising his role years later in the third sequel of the once thought dead “First Blood” series. Rambo is hired to take US citizens on his boat from Thailand to the war zone country ‘Burma’ to help provide the people there medicine, food, and bibles. When the citizens are captured by a warlord and it’s up to Rambo to see them out safe! This film has exploding heads, exploding legs, kids being thrown into fires, huge explosions, and enough barrels of blood and guts that would make Fulci actually cringe! The movie runs at a perfect 80 minutes of carnage as I give it 4 exploding heads and I liked it so much, I watched it twice on Easter!

 

Saw IV (DVD) – Oh yes, there will be another sequel… Anyhow, Jigsaw is dead, maybe? The film is hard to follow as the story of four somehow runs the same timeline as part three but with some different characters getting trapped in Jigsaw’s legendary traps and some other characters from the past films show up. Not exactly the best of films as usual and I personally think they not only make shit up as they go along, but fucked up the whole movie timeline and it doesn’t make any fucking sense at this point! But if you know me, I say fuck it and I’m starting to like the horror franchise. Put out another sequel, put out two more sequels, hell I want Saw XIII! Come on horror fans, I give it 2 ½ stars but I want more!

 

Epic Movie (DVD) – Another spoof movie that has appearances by the beautiful Carmen Electra, Crispin Glover, and David Carradine who make fun of all the latest epic Hollywood films. The movie overstays its welcome quickly but worth watching just to see the beautiful Carmen painted blue to play the role of “Mystique” of the X-men and watching Crispin play a creepy Willy Wonka! I give the DVD 2 stars.

 

Hostel II (DVD) – Eli Roth’s follow up film to his suck ass “Hostel” focuses on women this time around as it follows three female college students who are traveling Europe with it picking up right from the end of the first film. Different storyline this time around as the film dives into more of how these people get into killing people for a fee and what they are like. Not a great exciting horror movie but has a great pay off ending I thought the first movie didn’t have. My overall feeling of the film is it was so-so and doesn’t deserve another sequel but shows Eli Roth is trying to go with what works these days in the horror genre as I give it 2 stars. Be warned it does have a scene with a penis being cut off!

 Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase my two horror movie review books, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One and Two” at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com , with the third book delayed but on its way. You can also find other reviews from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com , www.bloodtypeonline.com , and in the movie review section of the latest Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive……… 

Catch me at Cinema Wasteland April 4^th-6^th in Strongsville, Ohio. www.cinemawasteland.com for more details…