Loading ...Gross Movie Reviews #110
Posted by Tim on January 6, 2008Gross Movie Reviews #110
By Tim Gross
Somewhere between sleeplessness and borderline insanity is me…
Wargames (DVD) – The film was made in the early 80s during the height of the “cold war†and starred Mathew Broderick before he was Ferris Bueller and a very hot looking Ally Sheedy (at least I think it is spelled right). Their characters hack into the National Security system and play a game. Problem is the computer they hacked into happens to think for itself and has decided to play a game of nuclear war for real between the U.S. and Russia. Looking for a movie that speaks about the early to mid-80s “Wargames†is the film that condenses it in about 100 minutes or so and is still a classic in my mind and fun to watch! I give it 3 ½ stars.
Pulp Fiction (DVD) – In 1994, Quentin Tarantino was the ‘it’ director after his first feature that was just brilliant. At a time films seem to lacking something Tarantino came along and made one of the most amazing films in the past two decades and his film changed filmmaking in general. The film is funny, violent, smart, exciting, and pretty much restarted a dying career. Let me say this “Royale with cheeseâ€. If you don’t know what I’m talking about there is something seriously wrong with you and there is no need to even really review this movie as pretty much people in third world countries with no TVs have seen the film. The special edition DVD is fully packed with everything and anything you ever wanted to know about the film and pretty much if you still haven’t seen the film, “please go live under the rock you came fromâ€. I give the DVD 4 stars.
The Simpsons Movie (DVD) – 18 years in the making… we finally get a feature film. It pretty much runs like an extended TV episode of the show where Homer has finally possibly killed everybody in ‘Springfield’ while thinking of himself as usual. After Homer pollutes the lake with pig shit the US government takes action by sealing off all of Springfield from the rest of the country with a dome. Of course it is up to Homer to save everyone. Funny movie, and plus you get to see Bart’s penis! Personally I thought it could have been funnier but hey I’ll take it. I give the extra filled DVD 3 stars.
The X-Files Season Two Box Set (DVD) – Season two opens with “The X-Files†division shut down and Mulder and Scully assigned to other assignments. But that doesn’t stop Mulder from searching for the truth about his sister and aliens and the cover up of them. Season two is packed with some excellent episodes like “Flukeman†that is about a creature possibly born out of the biggest nuclear fallout ever. Mulder is assigned a new partner who happens to kill his father to protect the ‘merchandise’; Scully is abducted by the dark side of the government and then returned, Steven Williams (known for his bounty hunter role in ‘Jason Goes To Hell’) becomes Mulder’s new secret contact, by the end of the season has you asking more questions of where the series was going to go next. But once again Chris Carter was just proving he was just about to hit his stride with the popular Sci-Fi drama TV series. If a fan of the TV show the slim DVD sets are well worth the buy as I give this one 3 ½ stars.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (DVD) – Everybody is searching for Captain Jack Sparrow in the afterlife as he is the only hope to save everyone in this “Star Wars†like trilogy. Once again it is a fun popcorn movie and Johnny Depp in his way over the top character but in a fun way as he must defeat Davy Jones and the British fleet in order to save everyone. The movie leaves it wide open for a fourth of course and I’m sure there will be more over the top acting by Johnny Depp. I give it 3 stars.
Play Misty For Me (DVD) – Clint Eastwood stars in this so called horror film as a DJ who after having sex with a woman who decides to start stalking him, believing he was in love with her. The film is very dated but still fun to watch just because it’s Clint F’N Eastwood. I give it 3 stars.
The Birds (DVD) – Alfred Hitchcock’s classic about birds that begin to attack people on a small island. The effects are dated but are still effective compared to a lot of the computer generated crap we see today. A classic for sure that has spawned a sequel, two remakes, and many films that have imitated it. I give it 4 stars.
Eastern Promises (DVD) – Croenberg is back with another non-horror drama starring Viggo (or Tex from TCM 3) and Naomi Watts. Viggo plays a driver for a Russian mobster in London who tries to protect Naomi and her family after Naomi comes into possession of a diary from a 14 year old mother who dies but was able to give birth. Naomi begins her search for the child’s relatives but gets mixed in with the Russian mob. Excellent movie and Croenberg proves again he still knows how to make a cool movie and for all the women out there, you do get to see Viggo’s penis! I give the movie 4 stars.
Sublime (DVD) – Wow, this boring butt fuck of movie is one the biggest wastes of time ever. You don’t know if the film is presenting itself as a film speaking out against medical malpractice, racism, unlawful surgeries, life, death, etc. The movie I guess is suppose to be a mindfuck movie and in my opinion happens to be a big shitfest and boring and just down right retarded! Yes, it has an actress that plays a very hot looking naked nurse but that doesn’t save this horrible film as I give it 0 stars.
Eaten Alive (DVD) – A Tobe Hooper film made in 1976 about a hotel owner in the Deep South who feeds his guests to his large pet gator that lives in the swamp under his hotel. A great classic that you get to see a young Robert Englund playing the town bad boy! Love gator chomping movies? This is another must own, as I give it 3 stars.
Godzilla: Final Wars (DVD) – You wanted it, you got it, two hours of Godzilla, other giant monsters, and of course aliens trying to take over the planet who happen to control all the monsters except Godzilla. The supposedly last Godzilla film has Godzilla once again saving mankind from the monsters and aliens and defeating them in a rather quick fashion and walking out into the sunset. Its fun, its guys in rubber suits, its Godzilla! I give the movie 2 ½ stars just because the Power Ranger type crap was getting annoying.
Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance (DVD) – Uwe Boll gives us the sequel to his video game adaptation which has the main character searching for Billy the Kid in the Old West as Billy happens to be a vampire with plans for the Old West of vampirism. The lack of blood was very disappointing but the film did star B-movie veteran Michael Pare as I give it 2 stars.
The Glimmer Man (DVD) – An action buddy film that stars Steven Seagal and Keenan Wayans as two LA detectives trying to break wide open a drug ring that could be mixed in with a serial killer. Again it’s vintage Seagal that makes the movie well worth watching! I give it 3 ½ stars.
Beyond Loch Ness (Sci-Fi Channel/DVD) – Loch Ness decides to move on to Lake Superior and nest, with the guy who played the shape shifting teenager in Stephen King’s “Sleepwalkers†all grown up now hunting the Loch Ness down as it killed his father 30 years before. Lots of the usual Sci-fi channel CGI violence and lack of story are the highlights for this monster borefest! I give it 1 star.
Any comments or questions please send to: LAN_EMAIL_SUBS or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan . Also you can purchase my two horror movie review books, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One and Two†at www.lulu.com or www.amazon.com . But also the book is available again at Incredibly Strange Video in Dormont, Pa. or www.incrediblystrangevideo.com . You can also find other reviews from me at www.bastardsofhorror.com , www.bloodtypeonline.com , and in the movie review section of the latest Ultra Violent magazine (www.uvmagazine.com). Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive………
