Gross Movie Reviews #75

Posted by Tim on December 12, 2006

Gross Movie Reviews #75
By Tim Gross

The Return of the Killer Tomatoes (DVD) – Yes, they made a sequel ten years later to the cult film that starred ‘killer tomatoes’! This time the film goes for even more camp with the likes of George Clooney (From Dusk Till Dawn) and John Astin (The Adams Family TV show) starring in the film. This time around Astin a crazed doctor is trying to come up with the ultimate plan for tomatoes to take over the world while meanwhile his woman made from a tomato is banging a guy who works at a pizza shop and doesn’t notice she bathes in plant food and eats a lot of toast! It’s a very odd sequel to say the least but a well worth look when you can find the DVD for less than 5 bucks! I give the movie 2 ½ stars.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2: The Gruesome Edition (DVD) – Yes, I have reviewed the movie before in my book and yes there was a mistake with how many stars it got? But anyhow it’s a long story, let’s move on to this really cool special edition DVD that has just been released not to long ago that has first off a really cool transfer, then if that wasn’t enough all the deleted scenes, plus awesome featurettes with the likes of Bill Mosley, Tom Savini, the man who wrote the screenplay, Stretch! An awesome DVD to have, a must buy! I give the movie and the DVD, 3 stars!

Evil Grave: Curse of the Maya (DVD) – The movie stars Joe Estevez and Todd Bridges! Who? What? Yeah that guy, from “Different Strokes”! But I’m not sure why Todd is in this movie about a house that is leased by a couple who end up haunted by past Mexican travelers who were brutally killed there? He doesn’t really speak and seems to play some kind of construction worker retard! Lots of blood and bad make-up don’t make up for Joe Estevez just annoying you throughout the film! I give the movie 1 star.

Stuart Gordon Box Set (DVD) – The first DVD is “The Pit & The Pendulum”, a movie that stars Lance Henriksen as a priest in 1492 that believes torture is the way to god. Jeffery Combs documents everything and keeps record of who is forgiven and why they should be! The film is very well done and you are just waiting for Vincent Price from his roles in Edgar Allen Poe influenced films in the 60s, to jump out and join in on the great film. Possibly one of the best films to come out of Full Moon Entertainment during their peak in the early 90s. It is a great mixture of fantasy, sex, and torture! I give this film 3 ½ stars. From there we have on the second DVD is “Castle Freak”, a movie about Jeffery Combs, his wife Barbara Crampton, and their blind child from a car accident come to a castle they inherited. But the castle has a secret that just wants to be let out and it is a deformed human cannibal that is in search for its next victim! The movie is somewhat famous for its ‘tit munching’ scene by the ‘freak’! I give the movie 3 stars. Then we come to the third DVD “Death Bed”, a movie that is light on story and has Joe Estevez to annoy you as he leases an apartment that use to be a studio in Hollywood that is possibly haunted! The couple that leases the apartment is not even that interesting even when they are bumping uglies to keep your attention to the storyline instead of hitting the fast forward button on the remote! The movie is horrible and I just think Stuart was drunk most of the production, otherwise we wouldn’t have seen this shitty of a fucking movie! I give it 0 stars! For the fourth and last DVD, it is a ‘Bonus Disc’ that has a couple trailers from Stuart’s Full Moon movies and a great interview with Stuart, Jeffery Combs, and Barbara Crampton being interviewed by William Shanter on Sci-Fi’s Full Moon Fright Night! An awesome interview for any hardcore Gordon fans to see. The box set isn’t the greatest but a cool gift for any hardcore Full Moon movie fan to have!

Superman Returns (DVD) – The comic book hero comes back to the big screen after a very long absence. Different actors play the usual roles of Lex Luthor, Clark Kent, and Lois Lane but they were able to not only capture what made the first two Superman movies fun but make the roles their own! Its five years after Superman has left Earth for no given reason and returns to only find out the world has forgotten him along with his woman Lois Lane who has moved on to be being engaged to another man with supposedly his kid! A very interesting storyline to make the Superman movie return but in opinion the hype outlived the superhero this time as Hollywood should of could of made this film years ago but don’t let that bother you enough to see what is the fourth best superhero film behind Spider-man, X-men 2, and Batman Begins, but this is a start! I give the movie 3 ½ stars.

I Love You To Death (DVD) – A dark comedy about a wife and her mother trying to kill her husband for cheating on her with several women. First he is drugged with sleeping pills, then shot, then shot again, only to live! It stars Kevin Kline as the cheating husband, Tracy Allman (I think that is her name) as the wife, River Phoenix as the younger man trying to do anything for the wife so he can have her, Keanu Reeves and John Hurt as two hippies who are hired to shot Kevin Kline! Once the sleeping pills take effect on the husband the movie becomes a laugh fest as he does not die like he is some kind of Romero zombie or something. The all star Hollywood cast might turn you off until you sit down and watch what has to be one of the darkest comedies ever filmed. I give this film 3 stars.

Feast (DVD) – One of the best films in 2006 is on DVD and has all the deleted scenes and alternative ending worth checking out! The film is throw back of sorts as some alien/monster like creatures track a woman and a man to a bar in the middle of nowhere only to try to kill and fuck everybody and everything there! Gore, blood, and lots of cool monster action make this one the best films of 2006 and makes you want to buy it and not just rent it. I give the DVD 4 stars.

Any comments please send to: LAN_EMAIL_SUBS or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan and you can also find more reviews in a book I wrote called, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One” that is available at: www.lulu.com/grossmoviereviews, if that doesn’t work just go to www.lulu.com and search in books, “Gross Movie Reviews”! And now don’t forget to check out my website www.bastardsofhorror.com for horror news and other related items plus check out www.bloodtypeonline.com for articles I write exclusively for that website! Remember folks if you are renting from Blockbuster you are not renting from the best! Support your local independent video store! It will keep horror alive………

Adoration for the Dead

Posted by Tim on December 12, 2006

Josh Werner’s “Adoration for the Dead” Tales of Insanity and Terror
Book Reviewed By Tim Gross

Josh is a younger horror fan I met at The Horror Hotel Con that has love for horror films that matches mine. He is full of useless knowledge like me about horror films. So when he asked me to read and review his book that is full of short stories that he claims to be inspired by classic slasher films, Edgar Allen Poe, and Lovecraft. I knew I was in for something different when I opened the book and the foreword was done by his mom and his two of the special thanks were to King Diamond and his dog.

The book runs 109 pages and an easy to read book that pretty much reading it all the way through takes within a couple hours even by average reading standards such as mine! The first story “ The Children of Theresa Jenkins”, deals with a man who is very depressed since his woman’s death and takes matters into his own hands when he completely cracks after being fired, and becomes obsessed with Theresa being the only right woman he was looking for to have children with. After the man snapping and going to a graveyard, ‘let’s just say it is not pretty and for the squeamish!’ The second story “Confessions of an Unrelenting Corpse”, deals with two friends and an Ouija board and maybe sometimes playing too much is playing too much. Reminds me of the 80’s film, ‘Witchboard’. The third story “The Reflections of a Longing Heart”, is about a man on the edge at work that is obsessed with a woman he has never had the balls to ask out until his reflection in a mirror decides to make the first move on her! Very fuckin weird! The fourth story “Life Lessons through a Masquerade Hell”, is about a teenager that is more worried about what holiday it is, Halloween, and a local legend about a house down the street instead of just hanging out with his best friend at the Halloween dance and making out with a hot chick that lusts for him! Sometimes legends should be left alone. The fifth story “An Outsider’s Guide to Dramamine and Dying”, a very interesting story about man who does alcohol and drugs to excess and can’t tell what’s real, what’s not, and who’s dead in the bathroom? The sixth story “Brain Plague”, is about a man who is fascinated with other people’s house’s and what he can find in them until somebody comes home to their house by surprise with him in it! Nothing can prepare you for how the last page of the story ends? The seventh and last short story “ The Devil Inside Her”, deals with a woman who is just engaged and finds out she has inherited a mansion and the curse that goes with it as she learns about a past she never knew she had! It reminds me a lot of the film “The Exorcist”!

The short stories are awesomely written for the average horror fan and pack a punch to gut with every gory and horrifying ending. Demons, zombies, possession, oh my… and much more! The book actually runs like ‘Tales from the Darkside’ TV series and reminds me a lot of the ‘Creepshow’ movies of how well they just flow together seamlessly. Every story keeps you wanting more terror, more gore, and not to end! As for Josh, I see great things from him with this just being possibly the first of many books in the future. I’m not saying we are seeing another Stephen King but seeing a writer just starting to blossom with many horror stories to tell us and be scared of for a very long time. Also remember there will be no one else like King as every writer is unique in their own way. I give this book 3 ½ stars out 4! And you can find Josh and his book to purchase at www.asfallleaves.com and if you have the chance of meeting Josh, do it, he is just a great down to earth horror fan like me, I think?

Pictures of Josh Werner: