Loading ...Gross Movie Reviews #62
Posted by Tim on July 9, 2006Gross Movie Reviews #62
By Tim Gross
Yes, the website www.bastardsofhorror.com is back up, I’m watching shitty horror movies again, and my book got plugged on www.deadpit.com radio show two weeks in a row, life is grand! Or is it? Talk of more remakes are coming, my verizon DSL is taking forever to install, and I’m broke, buy a fuckin book dam it and enjoy reading the pile of shit I sifted through!
Glass Trap (DVD) – Thomas C. Howell works at a building with killer plastic ants! I give this 1 star.
Ghost Game (DVD) – Friends go on a trip to a small island on the river where witches killed themselves years ago and friends now have to complete the game in order for the ghosts of the witches not to kill them. This movie just sucked donkey ass all over, I give it 0 stars!
Date Movie (DVD) – I know it isn’t a horror movie but why wouldn’t you want to watch a movie that in the opening couple of minutes that a fat version of Alyson Hannigan (Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) hits the streets to do a dance number for guys on the street and a construction worker shoots himself in the head with a nailgun just so he doesn’t have to watch this horrible display of humanity? Plus Alyson is a hot piece of ass! Come on she only gets hotter as she has aged since the Buffy days! I give this funny ass movie 3 stars.
Eight Legged Freaks (theater/DVD) – Kari Wurher (someday I’ll spell her name right), you remember the hot girl on “Remote Control�? Well, along with being the productions Prophecy 4 & 5 and Hellraiser 7, she was in this high budgeted B-movie about giant spiders directed by Dean Devlin. At 40, she has only gotten that much hotter but is pretty cool in this some what lame attempt at trying to make a B-movie mainstream. I give this movie 2 stars.
Satanic (DVD) – Angus Scrimm and Jeffery Combs star in this movie about a girl who has her face destroyed in a horrible car crash and is haunted by a past that may not be hers! It gets a little confusing by the end of the movie but enjoyable little slaughter fest! I give it 2 ½ stars!
Saw II (DVD) – Yeah, I finally watch this I know what’s going to happen next, sequel that poured more gore into the film hoping that you wouldn’t notice how bad a storyline this is and is going to continue in a third movie and a possible fourth! Never again I want to hear anybody bitch or whine about the Freddy or Jason sequels and there is no plot and they just get ridiculous! Saw is worse or bordering on just being insane on trying to keep up with a lame storyline. If I want to watch cool and inventive serial killer films, I’ll go back and watch: Henry, Silence of the Lambs, and Suspect Zero. Why, because I want to and two, because I never can watch crap that is being force feed to you by major studios as a great movie like no other that you are missing out by not watching! The Saw series in my opinion is for people who can’t think on their own and are complete morons! If you take offense to this review I rest my case! I give 1 star!
Men in Black (theater/DVD) – Stars Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith as two intergalactic agents trying to save earth from an alien invasion. Very funny and much better than the sequel which came out a few years to late? Lots of funny characters and Rip Torn being Rip Torn highlight this film as one of the few movies to come out of mainstream Hollywood that is worth going to the theater to go watch! I give the movie 3 stars.
Evilbreed: The Legend of Samhain (DVD) – We have lots of gore, porn stars, and Fango promoting the hell out of the movie until it gets released on DVD and is as bad as the cover art is! Personally for the hype this movie received, I do not think any horror movie could have lived up to it! While watching the movie take it with a grain of salt and just enjoy the gore and the porn stars! I give it 1 ½ stars!
Ghost Story (DVD) – Four older gentlemen have kept a very bad secret for 50 years and it has come back to haunt them when one of the gentlemen’s sons learns of it! A very old-fashioned ghost story movie with story driving the movie more than tits and gore! I give it 2 ½ stars!
The Running Man (theater/DVD) – It’s the future and Arnold must complete a deadly game of cat and mouse that is broadcasted all over the world! In the future everyone watches one game show and it is a game show where contestants are usually convicts trying to make it pass certain characters who use fire, chainsaws, and electricity to kill them for the right to go free! A movie that is worth watching now that it is near 20 years old and is not so far from what is reality TV now! I give it 3 stars.
Slayer (DVD/Sci-fi Channel) – Casper Van Dien fast on becoming the biggest Sci-fi channel movie star is a solider who is tracking vampires in a jungle that have attacked his friends and turned them into vampires also. Not near as good as it could have been but the blood and gore that hits the screen every other minute makes up for the lack of everything! I give it 2 stars.
The Butcher (DVD) – A lame ass attempt at copying TCM, TCM 3, Wrong Turn, and House of 1000 corpses and a very, very bloodless movie! Likely it is a screener or if it was a rental I would have been using the disc as a dingleberry picker! I give it 0 stars!
Any comments please send to: LAN_EMAIL_SUBS or www.myspace.com/slasherfilmfan and you can also find more reviews in a book I wrote called, “Gross Movie Reviews Volume One� that is available at: www.lulu.com/grossmoviereview , www.amazon.com, www.borders.com, or www.barnesandnoble.com . Remember folks support your local independent video store and not Blockbuster…